Today.

I cried for days leading up to my flight back to Auckland. It’s not so much that I was terribly upset about leaving home. It’s more because I dread returning to Auckland. It’s not just one thing that’s causing me grief, more like a whole list of factors. It’s the loneliness, the lack of friends, the crappy job that I’m in, the very quiet city and the distance it is from home.

I’m feeling particularly lousy today probably because I just returned and Stephen is away in Melbourne. The shock will wear off in a few weeks, I’ll adjust back to being here in Auckland, and cheer up some. I’m more a glass-half-empty kinda person which probably doesn’t help the situation. I know I should try to make the most of my time here, try to occupy myself with hobbies, do more reading, study for CFA but it doesn’t really help to be honest. It gets especially difficult when Stephen travels and I’m left all alone. Sometimes I wonder if someone else in my situation would feel the same way as I do or whether I’m just making a mountain out of a molehill, thinking too much (as Stephen likes to put it).

I wonder if this is how my life will be – Working in meaningless jobs, uprooting myself every 2 to 3 years to follow my husband around the world for his career. On the whole, I'm really happy and proud that he found something that he enjoys and that he's so good at; but a small part of me really resent this whole arrangement because it seems that lately, my success in life is measured by how well my husband does in his career, how fortunate I am to be able to travel the world with him, how much money he must be making etc. (I've been told that to my face so I'm really not making it up.) I resent being envied because of what my husband does, instead of who I am and what I can do. I wonder if people do see that I used to be my own person, that I enjoy being able to support myself, that I was in control of my life. When did I become that person whose life revolves solely around her husband?

Today just is not one of my better days.